the girl in the back corner's incoherent ramblings

oh no!

2007-11-30T21:52:36Z

Hah, it's been like two months since I updated this shit. Things are good, but this is sad. :(

[16:40] mekjane13: well let's just have a moment of silence
[16:40] mekjane13: for the man who probably caused more kids to break bones than any other
[16:42] mekjane13: okay now let's go set some school buses on fire and jump them with a sweet motorcycle
[16:42] dragonflyflown: hahahahahahahahaha
[16:42] dragonflyflown: yessss
[16:43] mekjane13: you're in charge of getting the jumpsuits
[16:43] mekjane13: i'll get the buses
[16:43] mekjane13: and the gasoline
[16:46] dragonflyflown: hahahahaha
[16:46] dragonflyflown: i'll get the torch
[16:46] mekjane13: sweet

I'm not going to promise any updates in any intervals. Fuck you guys.

ps: <3!

bluestetson @ 2007-10-04T18:54:00

2007-10-04T23:04:18Z

So I'm not much better, the pain's just moved into mostly my right leg, though my back and left hip are still giving me trouble. Physical therapy doesn't seem to be helping a whole lot, but I hope that's just because it takes time to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me. I went back to the doctor today after the pain got pretty bad, not ER bad, but bad enough I was concerned. I'm now on steroids for the next week, and I'm taking Ultram for the pain as needed and Robaxin as a muscle relaxer. I've taken all three of them today, as per the doctor's instructions, and I feel a lot better. Maybe it is just a muscle thing, and the Robaxin is just the first muscle relaxer that's actually worked.

Oh well, we'll see how I'm doing in a week, and hopefully the physical therapy will help after a few more sessions. If I'm not appreciably better by the end of the month, or if I have more recurrences of pain, I'm going to have to get a referral to somewhere else, either a pain clinic for some shots to try to kill it, or a neurosurgeon for a more specialized approach to the pain. I just wish I could go to class and work. I'm getting tired of sitting around Cameron's tiny apartment and watching TV and chain smoking out of boredom. If anybody wants to come hang out and watch a movie or something like that, I'd love to, I'm just not really up for much getting out of bed. I really hate that I haven't been able to hang out with people. I'm not terribly lonely, I mean, I am staying with Cameron and that's nice, but I miss the things I used to do on my own and the people I used to hang out with and all that. There are a lot of people who were really good friends to me in the past that I feel like I've fallen terribly out of touch with, and I hate that, but I don't know how to fix it in a lot of cases. Some of them don't seem to want to hang out with me ever (though that could well be because they're busy as shit, I understand that), and some I just never see anymore now that I don't work at Hot Corner or go downtown as much.

I dunno, I guess I'm just going a little crazy from being cooped up and starting to feel a little lonely because I don't have my own life anymore, and I'm just not physically able to have one, either. Just riding the bus for 15-20 minutes to get to campus and then sitting for 30 minutes to take a test is more pain than I'm comfortable dealing with on a daily basis. It would be way too distracting in a lecture, and the drugs I'd have to take to kill the pain wouldn't really let me concentrate either. I don't know if I can drop the classes that are really lecture heavy without losing my insurance, and that's making me really nervous, since midterm's almost here. I pretty much have the choice between no insurance in December or more bad grades on my transcript. I'm thinking I'll go for the no insurance, I already have too many F's than is really okay.

I'd really just like someone to hang out with and talk to other than people over AIM or Cameron. Not that I'm tired of him, I just miss everybody else. Call me if you want to hang out or something, I don't know. I'm boring as fuck, but boring girls need love too. :(

bluestetson @ 2007-09-27T16:28:00

2007-09-27T20:34:24Z

My birthday was yesterday and I had a fantastic time, despite spending Tuesday night in the ER because my back completely went out on me. Porterhouse serves delicious filet mignon, that's for damn sure. Thanks to everyone who came by Mercury to hang out for a bit and have some drinks.

However, I can't drink for a while, since I'm on some pretty heavy duty medication for my back and I've been told that if I want to stay out of the ER I need to spend most of my days lying in bed not doing anything. I'm getting a referral for an MRI tomorrow morning and hopefully I can have one scheduled pretty quick so I can go back to physical therapy and fix my back so I can make it to class and work and whatnot. It's pretty shitty, TV gets old and I get tired of feeling really light headed and sleepy all day.

Hopefully I won't have to go into surgery or anything and I'll only be confined to a bed for a week or so. Not trying to garner pity from anybody, just letting people know why I won't be around campus or downtown for a while. I'm still up for hanging out, I just can't go much of anywhere and I'm kind of boring, so it's all good if nobody comes by. I'm going to try to learn how to knit, since I can do that while I'm laid up and it makes for cheap, nice Christmas presents. I'll try to make my friends scarves and whatnot, so if you leave a comment and let me know what colors you like and if you want a scarf or a pair of socks or something like that (nothing too complicated, I might make a couple of sweaters for family, but that's about it). I could probably make a couple of knitted handbags for my chick friends if any of them want it, so just let me know and I'll do what I can to get you something by around Christmastime. Of course, I'm making stuff for family first, so if I don't get to you, it's really just because I ran out of time and not because I don't care or something like that.

Anyway, I need to go lie down again. Peace.

bluestetson @ 2007-08-28T18:06:00

2007-08-28T22:06:11Z

Shit got all weird all of a sudden.

Goddamnit.

bluestetson @ 2007-07-25T18:09:00

2007-07-25T22:10:38Z

Fuck my body. I hate it.

Everything always hurts and I think I might have to quit smoking because my blood pressure is fucked up and I mean seriously I am twenty fucking years old, why is my shit so fucked up? I don't abuse my body all that much, do I? Fuck. I want to go sit in the shower and cry this is so fucking retarded.

bluestetson @ 2007-07-15T12:43:00

2007-07-15T16:43:55Z

I can't get off the couch for the life of me.

I need to get out of this nasty funk but quick.

bluestetson @ 2007-07-10T10:09:00

2007-07-10T14:10:19Z

haha jesus christ.

I woke up at 9 am on my couch. I never even made it upstairs to my bed. Oops.

Drinking is bad for you, kids.

bluestetson @ 2007-06-16T22:31:00

2007-06-17T02:35:06Z

I want to be emo about some things but instead I'm just going to thank god I still had half an ativan left and just go ahead and let that take over.

Kisses!

bluestetson @ 2007-06-15T06:20:00

2007-06-15T10:26:45Z

It's raining and I have to walk to work. I slept maybe 4 hours, I think. I have 19 hours before I'm done with work and school, though I do have a 4 hour break. So that's only 14 hours of work and then an hour of class.

Fucking shoot me now. I hope a bus hits me on my way to work, that way I can get some fucking sleep.

Also, today sucks. Hard.

bluestetson @ 2007-06-05T11:23:00

2007-06-05T15:24:33Z

Oh man Tool.

Jesus christ. There were lasers. Holy mother of goddamn hell ass christ goddamn. It was ridiculous and my legs were jelly afterwards. Amazing fucking show.

bluestetson @ 2007-05-30T22:01:00

2007-05-31T02:01:46Z

Best date ever last night.

Very possibly one of the best nights ever last night.

Dinner and a movie is bullshit compared to dinner and going through 100 rounds at the shooting range.

bluestetson @ 2007-05-28T13:36:00

2007-05-28T17:40:41Z

I think I might have found someone I would like to actually date.

Maybe.

We'll see what happens.

bluestetson @ 2007-05-16T14:23:00

2007-05-16T18:25:16Z

There are a lot of things I feel like I should say sometimes, but I can never hold onto the words long enough to get them into any communicable form.

I dunno.

I guess I'll just read some more German philosophy and/or steampunk science fiction.

bluestetson @ 2007-04-26T08:27:00

2007-04-26T12:28:44Z

Okay things aren't as bad as I thought.

They let me go home with a script for atavan, but I had to promise not to hurt myself. Also I was prescribed extreme sports, and that is not even a lie.

bluestetson @ 2007-04-25T15:35:00

2007-04-25T19:36:21Z

I'm going away for a few days this evening.

If you want to hang out, call me.

bluestetson @ 2007-04-18T18:58:00

2007-04-18T22:59:03Z

Well.

I'm through with that.

bluestetson @ 2007-04-04T21:06:00

2007-04-05T01:07:16Z

Yep.

Things to write about later:

2007-04-03T04:18:17Z

Clothes and my identity crisis.
My inability to call people and their subsequent forgetting about me.
Why I want to disappear.
etc.

bluestetson @ 2007-03-29T11:52:00

2007-03-29T15:54:01Z

I had another weird seizure dream this morning while I tried to rest for about 20 minutes before class. I didn't actually sleep, but fuck man, I'm sick of dreaming of having seizures/narcolepsy and feeling my head go through drywall as I fall down and feeling the shakiness and the inability to control my body and then also having sleep paralysis. Fuck that shit. Fuck it right in its stupid ass.

I hate my dreams.

bluestetson @ 2007-03-28T02:44:00

2007-03-28T06:48:33Z

Everybody leaves, no matter how much they say they'll always be there. Everyone, without fail.

I should really stop caring so much but fuck. Am I really that worthless? Do I really make people not want to be around me that much? I try so fucking hard to be at least relatively likeable but even the people who know how fucked up I am and have dealt with that don't seem to want to be around me ever. I just need to stop caring, I really do. Everybody leaves eventually.

Excuse me while I'm really emotacular and besides, fuck you, I've been drinking. We all die alone. Cold and left for dead, that's how we die. Don't expect anyone to care. They'll leave you eventually.

What's the fucking point anymore? Really, what is there left to live for?

Fuck this, I'm going to go cry myself to sleep because I'm that fucking pathetic and dependent on how other people act towards me.

bluestetson @ 2007-03-26T09:08:00

2007-03-26T13:11:10Z

Freefall again, unknown altitude.

I'd really like to be able to sleep again.

bluestetson @ 2007-03-22T19:10:00

2007-03-22T23:11:01Z

I want to start a post-deconstructionist noisecore band called Queen Awesome and the Abortions.

We're never going to play a show and we're just going to have t shirts and a comic book because that's how I roll.

bluestetson @ 2007-03-07T08:30:00

2007-03-07T13:31:20Z

I feel like I can't talk to anybody again.

At least I don't dream anymore.

bluestetson @ 2007-02-26T13:04:00

2007-02-26T18:05:34Z

oh god I am so sick.

breathing isn't really happening and I can't think because my head is full of cotton.

uggghhhhh

bluestetson @ 2007-02-21T01:42:00

2007-02-21T06:44:04Z

It's weird, I keep wanting to write things down. It's like my brain is discharging all of the buildup of the past god knows how long.

All you get here is that it sucks when you really want to say something but you're afraid it's just your subconscious being a bitch for attention. When you feel like it's something that someone else needs to see before it destroys you, but you're not sure if that's the real reason you want them to read it because you feel like it might just be stupid manipulative posturing bullshit on the part of the subconscious.

God it would be so awesome if I could stop feeling like someone else is influencing everything I do in really malicious, manipulative ways.

I dunno, what the fuck do I care, it's not like anybody reads this shit anyway. The few that do don't know me well enough to really have much to say, though any kind words are nice. I should just take a week off and be gone for a while. That might be good.

Or it might just be some stupid escapist bullshit that I need to hurry up and get the fuck over. Ugh. I disgust myself.

I'm so ill at ease with myself, it's amazing I can even function when I'm alone. I'm scared of myself, I disgust myself, I hate myself, I'm just totally at odds with myself and I have no idea how to rectify the situation. I mean, I have ideas, I guess, but no way to implement them. I have no plan. I have no idea where to begin, and the people that I think might be able to help me with that inevitably fade away before anything can happen. There's always got to be some stupid little thing that comes up and destroys my plans and ruins everything.

Fuck.

I'm rambling because I had some beers, but fuck's sake, I just want to be a whole person. It might seem really dependent that I want someone to help me, but I don't want someone as a permanent crutch. I need someone to just help me get the fuck back on my feet and help hold me up while I try to learn to walk forward again. I don't need someone to baby me for the rest of forever. I want to walk on my own. I want to be my own person. I'm just so fucking scared and alone and it's just so fucking hard to stand up.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.